


It's Tough to Be a God

by mousapelli



Category: Haikyuu!!, The Road to El Dorado (2000)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-07
Updated: 2016-06-07
Packaged: 2018-07-12 20:07:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7120621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mousapelli/pseuds/mousapelli
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kuroo is realizing that Bokuto is maybe not the best person to be lost in a tropical jungle with, for various reasons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Tough to Be a God

**Author's Note:**

> Written for 2016 SASO prompt fill: Remember when Kuroo and Bokuto found El Dorado and were worshiped like gods?

Bokuto was not the best person to be lost in the jungle, Kuroo found himself thinking a couple hours after he decided that they really were lost no matter what that map they had found said. Bokuto wavered between declaring they were definitely about to find something AWESOME as he strode ahead, and whimpering that they were really really lost and it was going to be dark soon and then they'd be eaten by pythons. 

When they stumbled out into the clearing with the waterfall, Kuroo had never been more relieved to see anything in his life. He dashes over and drops to his knees faster than Rolling Thunder Again, sighing in relief as he can splash the cold water over his face and gulp some from his cupped hands. 

"Uh, bro?" Bokuto calls. Kuroo ignores him. Bokuto is probably just going to whine about crocodiles and Kuroo doesn't care at all if one eats him right now. "Bro, seriously. Bro!"

"What?!" Kuroo finally demands, looking over his shoulder. Bokuto points wordlessly at a huge carved stone, taller than him. On it is a lot of pictographic text which Kuroo understands none of and two dudes carved in the middle, both of whom have remarkably familiar spiky hair. "Uh…huh. That's really a thing."

"It's US, dude!" Bokuto exclaims, running his fingers down the edge of the stone as if checking that it's real. "For real! That's you! That's your hair!"

"That's ridiculous," Kuroo scoffs. He scoops up another handful of water while he eyes uneasily the angular hairspikes sticking up half one way, half another. "How could it possibly be us?"

"Maybe…" Bokuto whispers loudly, as if he's in a B-grade movie. "…we find a time machine, and future us comes here IN THE PAST? Time slip, you know?!"

Kuroo is opening his mouth to argue when suddenly the air is full of war cries and a bunch of spear-armed natives storm out of the brush. Bokuto yelps as he gets poked in the side; Kuroo grunts as he's roughly shoved to Bokuto's side. For a minute, it seems like things will get really ugly, but then the biggest, toughest guy narrows his eyes and looks from Bokuto to the stone he's still pressed up against, looks back and forth until Bokuto's face lights up. 

"He thinks it looks like us too!" Bokuto hisses, elbowing Kuroo sharply. "Quick try to look like those guys!"

Kuroo gives Bokuto a dirty look as Bokuto holds his arms at weird, pictographed angles. "Bo, that's ridicu—"

Suddenly the head guy grunts a command and they're being herded forward, not being stabbed, and Kuroo just rolls his eyes because honestly, it's always some damn thing with the two of them. 

After a bizarre trip through a waterfall and past enough gold to make Kuroo almost faint, they find themselves at the top of a huge stepped pyramid in the middle of the temple complex, panting from the stairs and shirts stuck to their backs from sweat. 

"Wouldn't think gods to mind a little stairs," a dry voice says behind them, and Kuroo and Bokuto whirl as much from the surprise of hearing Spanish as the surprise of being snuck up on. 

"You can understand us?" Bokuto asks, incredulous. "Wow, are you a god too?!"

"Bo, seriously," Kuroo hisses. The other man has arms crossed over his bare chest, skin dark from the sun, clad only in a rough linen skirt and an armband like a gold snake. 

"I have learn little of white man speech. They come here to look for us, but do not find. I am Akaashi." Akaashi looks them up and down. "I run the temple. I speak for gods, and so they think I speak for you. If gods you are."

"What happens if you say we aren't gods?" Kuroo asks. Akaashi raises one eyebrow, and then casually looks back down the stairs. It's a looooooong, sharp way down. 

"Gods! We are definitely gods!" Bokuto bleats, grabbing Kuroo's arm so tightly his hand tingles.

Akaashi smiles, almost as sharp as the stairs. "Then you do not mind to prove it."

Somehow this ends up with Kuroo and Bokuto also in linen skirts, with headdresses of gold and jade and crazy feathers, being fed fruits by nubile slave girls. Kuroo is trying desperately to figure out how to escape, while Bokuto has the time of his life. 

"Look at this one!" Bokuto exclaims, biting down into something purple and laughing as bright pink juice spills over his chin. "Oh man, this place is AMAZING. Let's stay, huh? Why even go back to Spain?"

"Because they're going to kill us when we can't perform miracles in the morning, you simpleton!" Kuroo snaps. The girl offering him fruits tilts her head, and Kuroo laughs fakely. "Haha, thank you! The gods are pleased, so run along, shoo, there's a good worshipper…"

"Plus, plus," Bokuto slaps at Kuroo's shoulder, then points down at his lap. "These skirts, dude, my boys feel SO FREE. Pants are for IDIOTS."

"Oh my god," Kuroo groans, burying his face in his hands. When the girl brings a new cup of whatever, Kuroo downs the whole thing at once despite how much it burns on the way down. If he's going to get murdered in the morning, he's going to be hungover enough to welcome death anyway.


End file.
